the lifeless body

daddy's. isn't it crazy how now you're live and now you're dead? and the roles cannot be reversed? once dead, it's forever? maybe I'm crazy, stupid to not understand life, stupid to not accept the cycle - we come and go, man, we're nothing, NOTHING, we live as a whole, we, the human race are all the same, one single body, you have to look at it this way to understand. understand what? that I'm nothing? we are nothing? and that we are something only as a whole? what is that going to do for me? and if I think this way it's called selfish? daddy left, his lifeless body - or I should say his lifeless self if the body is all that it is because it kind of sounds that only the body is lifeless and he, daddy, has just gone somewhere else, which I think it'd be awesome if…- was so different than with just a couple of days prior when he put on a show on the riverbank of Danube, barefoot, standing on shallow water having one of his favorite speeches about how much he loved the river, the city, his life as a carpenter and so on. I had heard it before a thousand times but how could I be bothered? believe me each time I heard the speech it made me happy, in fact I hoped he would have the speech again and again, it never sounded as a repetition, it was just daddy's cuteness talking to me, to a lucky son. this year I went again across the river Danube from my hometown to approximately the same spot where last year I stood listening and he stood the showman. Needless to say how sad this re-enactment was. I'm no showman, in his company I mostly listened, and now I did the same. The wind was low and didn't bring any outside sound. The water was calm and no wave was arriving. I thought about being barefoot but had never been so quick to act like daddy, so I dropped that mind. Barefoot are the showmen, standing on the calm, shallow water talking to a listener. That wasn't me. So I just sat there and remembered the whole thing, his cuteness overwhelming me. It was beautiful but painful also, he would never come back, he will never come back, I'd be without him until my death, I will be without daddy until my death.